Monday Intention: {Be}

Happy Monday!

What a whirlwind of a weekend (of a week, really)!  Our friends came over and helped us with the final push for packing on Friday night, but it was still a mad dash starting at about 5:45am on Saturday and going until the movers left at 3.  I had 4.5 hours of sleep, and Matty had less.  And then we had a brief nap and started unpacking.  On Saturday night I had my birthday party, at which I got slightly tipsy, and on Sunday I got the cold that Matthew and Xander had been battling for days.  Of course.  Today I felt moderately OK most of the time, and managed to get about 2/3 of the boxes unpacked…leaving all of the random-clutter (aka the not-fun-to-unpack) boxes still to do.

*deep breath*

Thank goodness for Matthew, who put Xander down for his nap today and then instructed me to go out and get myself a drink at Starbucks and TAKE A BREAK.  (Have I mentioned how amazing it is that I can now walk to places like Starbucks?  PRETTY DARN AMAZING).  I think it was the first time I had sat still (and alone) for more than 10 minutes in weeks.  While I was there I did a lot of journalling and a lot of thinking.

Here’s the thing: I haven’t been a very good mama lately.  I’ve been stressed out of my mind and trying to get things done, and my relationship with Xander has been very antagonistic lately.  A lot more yelling than I’d like.  Not enough gentleness and fun.  He’s begun to feel like a chore, which, frankly, is the way kids are generally portrayed, but it’s not the way I believe parenting should be.  I’ve had this hideous nagging feeling of not-right-ness, very similar (believe it or not) to the feelings I used to get when I was working on a paper and I could tell that it wasn’t my best work.  I don’t like the feeling, especially not when the outcome is a person and not a paper.

I thought and thought and wrote and thought and I realized that I’ve stopped being Present with Xander.  I used to be really good about this, but lately I’ve been largely ignoring him and trying to get my own thing done…plugging him into the TV or handing him a pencil and paper and then going about my business.  I’m not advocating hyper-intense helicopter parenting here, but SOME time each day in which you are mentally and emotionally available to your kid is probably a good thing, right?  Oy.

And then I realized that this isn’t just a parenting issue.  This is a life issue.  I’ve been off-center for ages.  Part of it is the moving-induced stress, but that’s not all of it.  It’s been slowly creeping up for ages.  I never stop.  I never breathe.  I never get really truly centered.   This is  a Big Deal.  I miss feeling at home with myself and being truly at rest.  I’m a very GO GO GO personality, but sometimes -often of late- I start feeling that if I keep this up I’ll burn myself out in a few years and die really young.  It’s scary.

Anyway, all of this thought happened and I realized that I need to take some time and try to {Be} again.  Be present.  Be mindful.  Be HERE.  Breathe.  Stretch.  Play.  Pause.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m still going to unpack like a demon, but I’d like to incorporate some breathing/stretching time and some playing-with-Xander time back into my daily routine (if you can call what we have right now a routine…we’re not really settled yet).  So that’s my intention for this week: to explore the ways I can be present in my life and present for my son, and to create habits which support this intention.  I have a few ideas already: stretching (he loves yoga), breathing before bed, listening to different music, actually doing art/crafts with Xander instead of sticking him at the table and going off to do my own thing, inviting help with chores, being OK with slowness…

I want this move to be the catalyst for a lot of positive change in all of our lives.  I also want 30 to be a magical age for me.  I feel very hopeful about this…it’s going to be great.  It’s just going to take Presence…

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