Sometimes I just have to laugh. Really.
What did I just write about? Permission to do or not-do or whatever felt right in the moment, yes?
WHY IS THAT SO HARD TO DO?!
Matthew keeps telling me not to get down on myself about being hurt. That being down on myself about it makes it worse. I know this. I do, I swear. And yet, when I start to move and my knee twinges and then my entire leg seizes up in fear…I slip into that mode. You know the one. The how can you ever teach or inspire other people to dance when you can’t even dance yourself? mode. The this is going to be another ankle problem, only worse because it’s your ENTIRE LEG. WELL DONE, MORON mode.
…the why don’t you go and do something else because this is just too freaking hard and you’re going to get hurt and fail and honestly, I’m just trying to help you here mode.
No. No no no. Just…no.
I have been down this road before. So many times. I am not willing to let this go again.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my left leg. Does that sound odd to you? welcome to my world.
My left leg has this to say:
I am here because you pushed too hard. You didn’t listen to me.
This is a big and important lesson. You need to listen. You were viewing yourself from the outside and not paying attention.
And I’m here because you’re afraid. You don’t want to move forward because it’s big and new, and this place of stuck and hurting is what you’re used to. You didn’t know how to handle being injury-free after your right ankle got better. So…here. You created this. You did this.
You know what? You need to ask for help. You need to REALLY practice radical self-care and get this looked after properly. This isn’t just in your head. Stop just beating yourself up about it and GO SEE A DOCTOR. GET A MASSAGE. DO SOMETHING. Show me that this dream is important to you.
Use every tool in your arsenal to move through this. If this is really what you want to do with your life, then show me. Honour your body. Listen to your body. Even if it tells you not to move for weeks. Even if it tells you to go to a hot yoga class instead of JourneyDance, or to go…and to ONLY dance within your limits. You know, like you’ve always told your students to.
Well? Are you going to look after yourself or are you just going to fart around and vaguely hope that things will get better? Hmm? Right now all you’re doing is showing me your resistance.
Ouch. Thanks for that, left leg.
…but really, he’s right (side note: is it weird that I think of my left leg as “he”? It took me by surprise!)
OK OK OK. Yes. I get it. Live the message. Follow the wisdom. Honour the body. All those things I keep saying and writing and writing and saying. And NOT DOING.
Gotcha. Message received. For real. I will call the doctor on Monday. And I will keep talking to you about ways I can listen and honour you. Deal?