I repeat: OY.
This has been one HELL of a Friday.
Something in me broke today…and I’ve been crying all afternoon.
Not pretty, subtle crying. Huge, incapacitating animal sobs. Poor Xander must think Mummy is losing it (maybe she is).
He’s napping right now. I broke our cardinal rule and let him nap at 5. Because I couldn’t take it any more. And then I put on my music and I started to “dance it out.”
Only…I couldn’t do it. I tried. I lay on the floor. I moved. And I sobbed. I sat up, I tried something else. I sobbed. I stood up. I danced for a minute. I sobbed. And that’s when it hit me:
Oh, honey. This is why you’ve spent so many years running from your body. This is why you spend all of your time up in your head. Because there is so much darkness and pain down here. So much raw agony and rage and powerlessness. You held onto it all. You’ve kept it all inside for so many years.
Is that what this dancing journey is all about? Clearing out the garbage and making room for me? Is that why I’ve always stopped short and run away every other time I’ve tried to make dance part of my life? Can I even do it and survive?
…can I not do it and truly live?
…I’m going to hit “publish”…and then I’m going to try again. We only have one life. I’m tired of carrying all of this baggage with me along the way.