Every once in a while I go through this period where everything feels like it’s going to shit. I find myself more rage-y at my toddler. I continually berate myself for being a “bad mom,” which makes it worse. Matthew and I feel disconnected and reactive and snappish and sad. I realize that I haven’t been making choices that support the lifestyle I want to create. Things feel way way WAY off. Et cetera. You get the idea: it’s sucksville.
My traditional reaction to this is to spiral down into self-loathing and misery. I’m very good at the spiral. You’d think it was my favourite kind of dance. But I’m developing a new reaction to this situation.
And here it is:
“Course correction, darling. Just need to get the ship pointed back the way you want to go. There’s a lesson in here somewhere. Let’s find the lesson and act on it.”
Today has been challenging. It’s Day One of my “No TV for Toddler” campaign, which means I’ve been trying to distract him all day and dealing with freak-outs whenever I say “No” to whatever screen-based entertainment my little addict is demanding. It also means that I had to wait until he napped to come on here (I like here a lot). I’m tired and cranky and burnt-out, and (I hope) PMS-ing, and my behaviour to Xander has been, frankly, appalling. “Calm and aware parenting,” my arse. I’m stressed out and sad. Matthew is stressed out and sad. We’re all stressed out and sad (at least, I assume Xander is, what with not being allowed to watch TV and having Raging Mommy for a companion all day).
So I’m calling an emergency meeting. Tonight we’re going out to dinner. And then maybe for a drive. And we’re going to talk course corrections. Because something’s off-kilter and if we work together we can fix it. And yes, I was planning on going to dance class tonight. But I don’t think this can wait. Time to adjust course, mateys. All hands on deck.
I have to say, this whole proactive approach is making me feel one tiny smidge better. Plus, I’m looking forward to getting dressed up tonight.