2011 began with a blaze of certainty. I had committed to a year of deep internal work, healing, and transformation, and I couldn’t wait to get started. I knew that magic was going to abound in 2011. New Years Day was spent madly and joyfully journalling about all the things I was going to bring into my life.
This year I tried to do the same thing. I printed out my 2012 workbook and I went through the motions of filling it out, and while some parts brought me a sense of joy and expectancy…it wasn’t the same. You know when you have a completely amazing and awesome experience and then you go back to that place or do that activity again and it’s just…different? And of course, you know intellectually that it should be different, but you find yourself oddly disappointed that the magic’s not there?
That’s what New Years 2012 was like for me. Last year I felt like all I needed to do to have a magical year was to be open. To be willing to change my own perspective, explore my shadowed corners, and heal my own heart. It was difficult and scary, sure, but it was internal work and I knew I could do it. I knew that the outcome would be a more awesome, magical, and joyful life. This year I feel like 2011 was all prep work for the next 12 months, and 2012 feels scary and big and (and here’s the part that terrifies me) unpredictable and uncontrollable. And I’m oddly surprised that it feels different than last year.
On the 1st, I did a tarot/oracle card reading for myself for the year. And yesterday I did one for Matthew. And as I went through the readings card by card (and witnessed the truly spooky intersection of the two decks), I was overwhelmed with a sense of impending massive change. Unpredictable, unknowable, uncontrollable change.
I almost had a panic attack.
But as I mulled the readings over in my mind, a word came to me. Not the word I had chosen for the year, but another one to go with it. My first word is Shine. The new word is Trust. It was as if the Universe was telling me,
“Look, I know you’re scared, but please trust me. I know what I’m doing. All I need you to do is keep shining, keep creating, keep your focus and connection. And trust that I will take you where you need to go. Don’t fight me on this. Just go with it.”
The energy this year is so different from last year. I feel it pulling me, calling me to move, to create, to share, to radiate. To shine my light. And I’ve already found myself answering that call—creating, beginning, planning. Ideas are blooming that I hadn’t even conceived a notion of back in December. The New Year brought them in.
So I will put my trust in my Universe, and I will ride this wave. I will create what calls to be created, and I will share it. I will shine my light. I will trust the current that carries me and my family. I will try to be brave. What is bravery but shining and trusting?
Speaking of trusting, I don’t know exactly what my plan for the blog is this year. Last year I made a point of scheduling blog posts on certain days. This year, at least right now, I’m feeling the need for freedom and unscheduled-ness. I’m going to go with that for a bit. I don’t know when I will be posting or if a routine will emerge in the next few months. I could be posting every day, once a week, or somewhere in between (probably somewhere in between). It’s a little scary to be off of a schedule…but “a little scary” seems to be the theme for 2012 for me so far. I don’t know what will happen. I don’t know where it will lead. I’m trying to be OK with the not-knowing. I hope you will be too.