A peek at my process and a pop quiz (a post in 2 parts)

This blog post comes to you in two parts:

PART 1: Radical Honesty

It’s so tempting to only show up here when I’m feeling awesome, when I’m on top of the world, dreaming big dreams, making big plans. But that’s so often not where I’m at, and lately that’s meant that a) I don’t write at all or b) I write REALLY selectively about the good stuff (which is helpful to me because it makes me notice the good stuff, but it’s not really fair to you, the reader. It’s not lying, but it’s also not telling the whole truth…if you see what I mean).

So…truth: I have been in a massive downward spiral lately.

There have been moments of awesome. That dream the other night was one. 95% of my son’s birthday was another (the part where I LOST MY MIND AT HIM for reasons almost-completely unrelated to his behaviour was a low point). I had a fantabulous coffee date last week. Noticing helps me have moments of good, even on crap days. You get the idea.

But in spite of all of this, I’ve been wandering around with a dark cloud over my head. I’ve apparently been losing the ability to smile (I’ve been so detached from my body that I DIDN’T EVEN NOTICE). Matthew tries to talk to me and comes up against a Big Black Wall of Sad (or a Big Red Wall of Angry). The inner critics have been getting louder and louder, and my little introverted self has been craving solitude more and more desperately…and falling into blind rages when it doesn’t get what it needs. To deal with this, I’ve been numbing out and going back to old patterns of stillness (and pain) and overeating (and pain).

I’ve been beating at the perceived walls of this hole I’ve fallen into, and beating myself black and blue for not being OK. How can I hope to help anyone if I can’t help myself? I rage over and over again.

Then tonight, as I was writing a completely different blog post (that no one will ever see), it gradually became clear. I figured out what all this is about.

This, my friends, is the point at which resistance is waging a battle-to-the-death with evolution. Every atom in my being is longing to evolve, to hit that next level, to release the baggage, to haul ass up the next peak of this rollercoaster, and to shout “WHEEEEEEEE!” from the top of the world. It’s time to shine.

Resistance is fighting tooth and nail to keep me “safe” on the ground, and out of the “scary” heights. The inner critic is shouting its loudest to try to drown out the call of the Universe. And the specific stuff that’s bothering me is, as usual, a crystal clear indication of what I need in order to WIN this battle and get up the hill.

So…what do I need?
Solitude. Space. Time to tune in.

This little introvert needs space and time to listen to the inner voices…the ones that aren’t screaming mean things (figuring out how to get that during the Pack-a-thon is the next step…). This little introvert needs a firm foundation of self-care and all of her embodiment tools to stop the numbing out cycle.

And also, this little introvert needs YOUR help in the evolutionary process…which leads me to Part 2.

PART 2: Pop Quiz:

Say I were to, you know, actually start the dream business I’ve been dreaming about (sometimes literally) for the past too-many-years-to-count…

What would you like to see on offer from me?

Seriously…*I* have all kinds of ideas, but I’d love to hear from YOU. What would be helpful?

You don’t even have to know *how* I would create/offer whatever it is you’re looking for (although if you have that figured out, LAY IT ON ME). I just wanna know. What can I do for you?

And, for extra fun, what would you like to read more about? Would you like more dance playlists? Videos? Vlogs? “Try this at home”-ish stuff? 5Rhythms Friday/other “how I feel when I dance”-y posts?

Lay it on me, darling! I’m dying to know!

New stuff coming on the website soon…I have some tricks up my sleeve. But your input would be FABULOUS.

9 thoughts on “A peek at my process and a pop quiz (a post in 2 parts)”

  1. mmm this post just popped up on my facebook feed and i had to comment. resistance versus evolution – i’ve been experiencing this very deeply lately, too.

    much love,
    hayley
    xox

  2. hell yes to being brave and honest. i’m so right there with you, darlin’. my introvert self definitely can be a tricky one, but i’m learning to appreciate it instead of see it as a negative. (the book “quiet” by susan cain is totally helping, too!) we don’t have to be happy and peppy all the time. the real work is showing up when we aren’t. *hugs*

    1. So true. And not ripping the heads off of our nearest and dearest in the process. πŸ˜›

      Actually, it was a revelation to me when I finally realized that my introversion and Xander’s extroversion were in conflict. I’d been beating myself up for getting insanely rage-y at him on an almost-daily basis…until I realized that it always happened at least 2 hours into the day and was preceded by a desperate wish that I could have a minute to myself. It was like, “OH! This isn’t just me being an irrational jerk. There’s something else going on here!” And even though that didn’t change the reality of the situation, it made me feel more able to handle it.

      xoxox

  3. I would love to read about how to free my “dancing self” when I’m on my own – I love my classes but it would be great to start dancing by myself – I imagine it would feel very freeing. I guess that fits in the category of “try this at home” πŸ™‚

  4. YEEES! Go into silent, delish solitude! It’ll feed your creativity as well as your sanity!

    I was thinking just last night that I really needed to send out a “what do you want from me?” post to my tribe~ I’m finding it hard to get back into my old bloggin’ rhythm, now that Twitter and FB have bewitched me, so this serves as a way for me to reorient myself back to the blogsphere, more! Thank you for being on the same wavelength!
    As for what I would like to see offered from you, well, I might be too new here to figure that one out. I guess I’d say videos. I really like the idea of dance and dreamy music combined with beautiful shots in nature~ I know it’s been done, but it’s still an idea I’d like to see, if well-done.

  5. Well Dancing Ninja,
    you ask what I want and I see already you offer what I want, your integrity and courage to tell it like it is.
    I think as we experience the ‘soaring heights of free flow” it is more unpleasant when’ we sink into the stuckness’.
    Thrashing about in it is maddening at the time but funny from another perspective later when we are free again.
    Dance on and keep the music in your ears . Helping us reconnect ourselves to the joy of our wholeness is magnificent work .

    1. Thanks so much for your comment, Joanna! I logged in to write a post (they’ve been so rare lately, and I’m trying to change that), and I saw your comment–it made my night! πŸ™‚

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