If…

I’m at this weird point in my life where I can see where I want to be. In all kinds of areas, from my physical well-being to the way my home looks and runs, I can picture how I want things to look at feel and be. And, wonder of wonders, I know that change is achievable.

If.

If if if.

If.

If I do the work.

Why is that such a challenge? Or, at least, why does it FEEL like such a challenge. You wouldn’t think that something like “dance 5 minutes a day” would be hard. You wouldn’t think that “pick something up and put it away when you’re done with it” would be a challenge.” “Go for a walk” sounds like child’s play.

It’s all habit, isn’t it? It only feels like a challenge because I’ve made a habit of doing something else.

I’ve made a habit of stillness and got caught in inertia. I got to the point where not moving and not cleaning up and just…not-doing…was the norm. Somehow it felt (feels, more often than I like to admit) easier to not put in the effort, even though that meant (means) feeling achy and tired and weak and prematurely-old and afraid of injury. Even though that means living in a house that progressively gets filthier day by day.

I take comfort in the fact that I’m starting to see this now, and see it (mostly) without judgement (OK…not always). I see how my choices led to my inactivity and (often) squalid home. And, thank goodness, I can see how my choices can lead me in the other direction…

If.

If if if.

If.

If I do the work.

If I set the intention to make a change…and take the actions required. And then take them again. And again and again.

I’m struggling with this, struggling to make new habits and not let old ones creep back in. Day by day I’m struggling to make the choices that support where I want to be. Some days it doesn’t happen—I choose the old ways instead. But eventually I pick myself up and take another step forward, because nothing is impossible.

If.

If if if.

If.

If I do the work.

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