April Love: Day 29 and 30

Day 29: My eyes

Taken this morning. I have my dad’s greenish-brown eyes. I’ve always loved them!

eyes

 

 

Day 30: Thank you for…

I’m grateful for so many many things: my health, my wonderful family, financial stability, this beautiful photo challenge…

But one thing I never thought I would be thankful for is a c-section. It was pretty much my “worst case scenario,” the thing that haunted my nightmares (attention: I am writing about ME. If you wanted a c-section, that’s awesome. I, however, emphatically did not). And I don’t just mean “thank you for my very-much-alive self and baby”…although, of course, that is yet another reason I’m grateful. I’m grateful for what the section represented, and what has come of it in addition to my baby.

Every New Years Day I do an oracle card reading for the year. My card for January was “Rock Bottom.” The description said something like “this is going to suck big hairy moose balls, but if you surrender to it, a miracle will happen that would be otherwise impossible”

“…yay?” I thought.

I thought about that card when my blood pressure skyrocketed and I was told to go to the specialist who does cervical exams so rough that they actively hurt (we’d had an encounter in my last pregnancy, so I was SUPER HAPPY when I was told to go to her…oh wait…no).

I thought about that card when I was admitted to the hospital for early induction. I thought about that card when the contractions kept going and going and had no end point, and they worried about my baby’s heart rate. I CURSED that card when they prepped me for the section, when I was shaking on the operating table, when they were stitching me up and I felt like I was going to go to sleep and never wake up. “FUCKING ‘ROCK BOTTOM’!!” I ranted to Matthew. “FUCKING ‘ROCK BOTTOM’!!” I sobbed in the days following when I could barely walk to the bathroom and I felt like I would never feel normal again.

Well…

I’m approaching 4 months postpartum, and that section was one of the best things that could have happened to me. It gave me a goal (rehabilitation) that concentrated my efforts like nothing else. It taught me to listen to my body like nothing else could have. It forced this former ballerina to FINALLY take my body’s lead. It cut through all the bullshit and false expectations that have derailed me in the past. As the weeks passed, I could feel my progress (I still can). While I do have some weird structural weaknesses that I’m still working on, I think I’m actually stronger now than I was before I got pregnant. I have daily movement practices, and I’m at the point where I KNOW how much better I feel when I do them.

So thank you, “Rock Bottom.” Thank you, c-section. You did, indeed, bring me a miracle when I surrendered and accepted you. Thank you for all you’ve brought me. (You’re still a jerk, but in a “for your own good” kind of way)

rock bottom
(photo taken from http://archangeloracle.com/ via Google image search)

 

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