Waking up

Yesterday I was in the kitchen cooking dinner when Matthew came in to talk to me. I turned around to face him…

…and suddenly the world, and his face, came into focus again. Like the lens of a camera moving from blurry to crystal clear, I saw him, truly saw him, for the first time in months.

The relief of coming home, of waking up again, was almost too profound to write about. I don’t know where I was, but I wasn’t here. I wasn’t fully living. I wasn’t seeing the people I love. I wasn’t being myself.

And then I came home.

I don’t think that the timing is a coincidence. I’m sharing this partly as a reminder to myself: when I’m tired and resisting the dance, I want to remember this moment. This is what the dance can do…it can help me find my way home.

<3

Back in the saddle…

The past month was rough. Not “bad things are happening to me/the people I love” rough (thank goodness), but “I am intensely miserable and can’t seem to figure out how to fix it” rough. I was stressed out of my mind, completely un-grounded, separated from my body, barely breathing at all, and generally in a place of physical distress. And I couldn’t figure out how to snap out of it.

I tried all kinds of things, from Reiki to grounding to meditation to crystal work to daily walks, and nothing worked. I was at my wits’ end. I was out of ideas.

And then my husband pointed out that actually, I hadn’t tried everything. I was trying everything except the one thing that always always works for me.

I hadn’t tried dancing.

Somehow, I had lost sight of the fact that dancing always always reconnects me with…well…me. And I was trying all of these other things that work (for me) for mild mind-body separation, but not for major issues like I was experiencing. Matthew maintains that I hadn’t forgotten, I was just resisting (and that would certainly be true to form). And it’s true that the very thought of trying to dance again was terrifying. I felt physically incapable of doing it at all. But I shut myself in a room with some music and slowly, slowly, things started working themselves out.

I’m still struggling with resistance. I still don’t feel quite myself, but like a smaller, quieter, greyer version of me. So I am recommitting to dancing every day starting now. I’ve noticed that even a couple of minutes makes me feel more like myself.

100 Days of Dance take 5.