The past month was rough. Not “bad things are happening to me/the people I love” rough (thank goodness), but “I am intensely miserable and can’t seem to figure out how to fix it” rough. I was stressed out of my mind, completely un-grounded, separated from my body, barely breathing at all, and generally in a place of physical distress. And I couldn’t figure out how to snap out of it.
I tried all kinds of things, from Reiki to grounding to meditation to crystal work to daily walks, and nothing worked. I was at my wits’ end. I was out of ideas.
And then my husband pointed out that actually, I hadn’t tried everything. I was trying everything except the one thing that always always works for me.
I hadn’t tried dancing.
Somehow, I had lost sight of the fact that dancing always always reconnects me with…well…me. And I was trying all of these other things that work (for me) for mild mind-body separation, but not for major issues like I was experiencing. Matthew maintains that I hadn’t forgotten, I was just resisting (and that would certainly be true to form). And it’s true that the very thought of trying to dance again was terrifying. I felt physically incapable of doing it at all. But I shut myself in a room with some music and slowly, slowly, things started working themselves out.
I’m still struggling with resistance. I still don’t feel quite myself, but like a smaller, quieter, greyer version of me. So I am recommitting to dancing every day starting now. I’ve noticed that even a couple of minutes makes me feel more like myself.
I’ve been pushing myself really hard. Staying up until midnight every night, working through hangings-out with friends, constantly perusing my to-do list. Push push push. Go go go.
Launching my Big New Things this week really put me over the top.
So today, instead of posting a dance video, I’m giving myself permission…
Permission to rest.
Permission to relax.
Permission to stop striving.
Permission to just be.
Permission to read something non-business related.
Permission to CHILL OUT for a few days.
Because, here’s the thing:
The world won’t stop turning if I go to bed early instead of working. Life as I know it won’t end if I spent a few days resting. And if I really want to create a joyful, soulful business, then I need to be 100% me when I’m creating it, and not some strung-out, zombie-brained, droopy-eyed mess of exhaustion.
In spite of all of my reading and journalling and chatting and posting about self-care, I’m still driven to push push push. Suffering under the burden of Never Enough. But practice is what counts, I hear, and this weekend I resolve to practice:
Practice doing things on a whim.
Practice being light.
Practice being easy.
Want to practice with me? What will you be doing this weekend to care for yourself? What will you give yourself permission to do?