Dear Universe, Message Received

I believe that the Universe sends us messages. Sometimes we miss them altogether. Sometimes we see but don’t understand. And sometimes it feels like the Universe is an aggravated friend watching us hesitate over a big decision and then finally going “OHMYGOD. GO. JUST EFFING DO IT. JUST…GO!!! GAH!!!” over and over again.

Message. Overload.

That’s the way it’s felt for me lately. I’ve been hesitating on 3 or 4 things, telling myself I can’t, finding reasons why I don’t have the time, watching So You Think You Can Dance instead. But the messages keep sneaking in:

Songs play on the radio with lines like “time is wasting, life’s not waiting”
People I respect write posts about death and fear
People I love pass away. People I don’t know at all pass away
People I know make their dreams real

Today at lunch, Matthew called me up in total disbelief. “WHAT IS THE UNIVERSE TRYING TO TELL US?!” he practically shouted. He had just heard “If Today Was Your Last Day” on the radio and then BEEN DIVE-BOMBED BY A BUTTERFLY. Seriously. You can’t make this stuff up.

“What am I supposed to DO?” he asked me.
“You already know,” I said, “You really do. You just need to do it.”

And so do I.

OK, Universe. Your message has been received. I am officially accepting your invitation. I’ll see you on the dance floor.

Let’s dance, and see what magic happens.

Making space for the Universe to flow in

I did my first telecircle on Saturday.

I did it.

After more than a year of “Oh no, I couldn’t possibly”-ing, a month of “I’ve announced this, now how the hell will I pull this off?”-ing and a week-long delay when the Universe had other plans…it’s done.

And it was lovely. The technology worked out, the plan came together, and my friend and I had a wonderful dance (thank you! <3). It actually happened! For real! It was incredible to know for that hour and a half that I was doing something that I had dismissed as impossible only months before.

As I danced the 45 minutes of free movement between the opening and closing of our circle…

…space opened up…the space in my heart and my brain where this dream had lived cleared out…and the Universe flowed in.

A dozen new ideas bloomed in the space left by this one…and I realized something important:

I’ve been quiet for a long time. Not that I haven’t written on my blog or spoken in person, but…I’ve held things back. I’ve been terrified that if I shared everything that I had to share, there would be nothing left. If I released my creations into the world, nothing would come to replace them. If I blogged every idea I had, I would run out of things to say.

So I held them back. I stored them for special occasions, or until I could “make them perfect” (which never happened). I got distracted by new projects before old ones were complete (more on this in an upcoming post). I hung on to never-started ideas because it was safer than trying.

But what came to me as I made this one dream real…was just how wrong that belief was. As I danced, things shifted in my mind, and possibilities blossomed. I took my next step into readiness.

And I thought…”I’m ready to DO this. I’m can share what I create, and there will always be more where that came from.”

So here I am…I’m sharing. (It still feels a little scary, but I’m doing it anyway)

I have a gift for you

Spirit Moves Dance – The Dance of Breath

This is my first-ever moving meditation. I created it about a month ago, and I was too afraid to tell you. I’m not afraid anymore

(It’s a link to the mp3, so you should be able to right-click to download…help yourself, it’s yours for free, and if you like it, please spread the word. This is my thank you to you for reading my words and sharing my space…I love so much that we can connect this way and that I can share with you)

There are more where that came from. There are more telecircles too. And there are projects I haven’t even thought of yet. I understand now…I have to make them real and let them go, and then the Universe will flow into the space left behind. I will grow, and I will be able to create new things.

There is infinite possibility…just so long as I don’t hold back.

 

…I’m ready to let the Universe in and see what happens…

How to Respond When the Universe F*cks Up Your Plans

I had last week all mapped out. It was booked off on my schedule as “work from home week.” Matthew had a day or two of work to do, but on all the other days I was going to take the afternoon and Do Some Work. Solid, uninterrupted, glorious work. I started out strong on Monday, inspired by my stellar office makeover.

And that’s where it stopped.

On Monday night I noticed that my throat was scratchy. On Tuesday, when I launched my 8-week session of DansKinetics classes at DANSpace (hint hint: you should come and dance with me!), I was in the process of losing my voice. By the time I got home that night it was official: I was sick.

It wasn’t my ordinary cold. For the past 5 years at least, my colds have followed a precise pattern: start in the head with 2 days of abject misery, move to the chest, feel better. This one? This one started in the chest and then migrated up, wiping me out completely for 3 days and not slacking off until Day 4. So. Much. Fun.

Instead of my lovely week of working and planning, I found myself slumped miserably on the sofa, watching movies with Xander, and even taking a daily afternoon nap (this never happens). I couldn’t walk from one end of the apartment to the other without having to lie down afterwards.

I started getting suspicious right around Day 2. I mean, I know the scientific mechanics of cold-catching, but I am absolutely convinced that illnesses come for a reason. And this one, this weird and oddly-timed cold? Definitely not random.

As I lay on the sofa, I thought a lot about Why This Happened. And the longer I lay there, the more insight I had about it. The way I see it, this cold came around for two reasons:

1. I wasn’t taking care of myself.
I’ve been staying up too late, working too much, not taking time to play or be still (this was made very clear over the course of my sofa-time…I’d forgotten what it felt like to sit for more than an hour without doing something).

It’s the usual story, and that’s why it’s my go-to theory when I get sick. My body decided that, if I wasn’t going to cut it out voluntarily, it would make me be still and look after myself…hence the 3 days on the sofa (and even now I’m not 100%…I had to lie down for half an hour this afternoon!)

2. My brand-new blinding-light epiphany: I was off-centre, and it was throwing everything off. In fact, I had been off-centre and floundering for so long that it had stopped feeling bad and started feeling normal.  This cold came to show me the truth.

I haven’t been fully living my life. Not walking my talk. Not living my message. Getting stuck in ruts of habit and resistance. Business-wise, not doing the biggest things on my lists. Meaning to do them and then getting bogged down in avoidance and perfectionism (which are both just fancy names for not doing something out of fear). Hanging back and stressing out and checking Facebook instead of moving through my to-do lists. Forgetting why I was doing the work in the first place. Letting myself and my dreams down.

That sounds like I’m berating myself for it, and I’m really not. I could feel that something was wrong, but I couldn’t figure out what it was. I don’t think off-centeredness registered consciously before last week because, really, I’ve been doing so much better than I was last year or the year before that (and don’t get me started on my first year as a mama). But I don’t feel good…and besides, better isn’t the same as full-colour-awesome. Now that I can see the difference, it’s time to make a change.

A lot of the “walking my talk” things I’ve been neglecting are self-care: Reiki. Meditation. Watching dance performance. Reading actual books. Moving my body regularly in the ways I teach and write about. Doing the work that’s most important to me instead of skirting the edges and making busy-work (and then getting worn ragged and stressed out and sick). These are all things that would make my mama-job easier and help me follow my passion. These aren’t things to “not have time for,” or to forget about or to avoid.

I knew vaguely that I was doing that before this cold, but I didn’t realize the full extent of the problem until I was forced to stop working altogether. I needed the week of misery in order to get perspective on the months that came before.

My Reiki Master taught us a saying during one of our attunement workshops: when she’s going through a major healing crisis, be it a physical illness or an emotional rollercoaster, she says “Thank you for my healing.” No matter the situation, she says “Thank you for my healing.” (Sometimes she shouts it and shakes her fist at the Universe :P)

Now that I’m getting better, that phrase sums up my feelings exactly. Last week didn’t go AT ALL how I planned. Being sick sucked a LOT, and I was so disappointed about not being able to do the things I’d planned, but now I can see the necessity of the week on the sofa. I appreciate the insights I gained from the change in plans.

Now I get to decide how I want to proceed from here.

Thank you for my healing.